My sons both told me they were gay. This is what happened next

Australian mother-of-three Gayle Lawrence was there for her son, Nathan, when he came out and when his brother, Aidan, followed a year later. Here’s what she learned.

Gayle Lawrence's sons, Nathan (left) and Aidan (right) both came out to their mother several years ago. Source: Supplied, SBS

This article contains reference to suicidality.

Four years ago I received a bunch of flowers wrapped in multi-coloured ribbon. My first thought was, "Isn’t that lovely!" because I’m colour-blind.

Then I picked up the card.

It read, "I’m sorry but I’m gay too."

The flowers were from my youngest son, Aidan. He was 18 and coming out to me a year after his older brother.

My heart sank. What did I say or do that made him feel he had to apologise for being who he was?

In his head, he was adding to a 'problem' for his mother that he was also gay. I didn't see it that way. It still brings me to tears because I never wanted him to feel like that.

Nathan and Aidan as young children. Source: Supplied / Gayle Lawrence

I’m a mum of three boys. Nathan, my middle child, came out to me first when he was 19.

He had been in China on an exchange program and my husband Jono and I had been away too. There was something that he was holding back from me and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

We arrived home, jetlagged. My husband had gone out for a moment and Nathan asked to talk. He said, “Mum, I need to tell you that I’m gay”.

I could see the tears running.

I said, “I appreciate how difficult it is to say that, I really appreciate you being able to talk about it, and I love you no matter what”.

As a parent, my instinct was he needed to hear that.

Gayle Lawrence pictured with her son Nathan and husband Jono. Source: Supplied / Gayle Lawrence

Then we talked about it.

Nathan explained he’d had time to think when he was on exchange, where he was away from everything and could just be himself. He told me he couldn’t not say it anymore and asked if I could help him tell others.

Later, I turned to Google and realised a mother can play an important role in someone’s coming out, as the nurturer. So I told my husband and Nathan’s two brothers.

But there seemed to be nothing else out there to help me have that conversation.

I didn’t want this to define him, but that may have been partly out of my own fear from my upbringing. When I grew up, if you came out as gay or ‘different’ in any way, you were taunted or bullied. My fear was that would happen to him.

I realised that as a parent, the first thing I had to deal with was my own constructions of the life I wished for my child. I had to think about how I can best support my son to be a happy, whole individual.

I encouraged Nathan to lead with his personality, not his sexuality. “Lead with who you are,” I think I managed to say.

After he came out, one of my friends was worried that because our children were friends it would mean their son was gay too. I was offended but I had to step back out of that.

I encouraged Nathan to lead with his personality, not his sexuality.

For Aidan, coming out was a more turbulent time. He was in Year 12 and I thought something was happening at school.

I watched him change from a happy and vibrant teenager to being sad and withdrawn. At one point, he told me he was having suicidal thoughts.

I remember saying to him, “Just tell me what’s going on”.

When he came out, I realised that’s where it all came from.

I gave him a big hug and said, “Never apologise”. I cried and cried because I felt there must have been something in my messaging for it to be something to hide. It was a big wake-up call in how you talk to your child.

Following that, I got my son back.

After Aidan came out to Gayle, she says she got her son back. Source: Supplied / Gayle Lawrence

The first time one of my sons came out I questioned, 'How do I do this?' The second time, I was just relieved that I could work out what was making my son so sad.

By being open, things completely changed. We were able to bring in humour and not keep things so serious. What my sons needed from me as a mother was acceptance and a space to have that conversation.

I’ve learnt that if you talk about it as a problem, what they take from that is that they are a problem.

We need to be able to eloquently have that conversation in a way that celebrates and embraces them. Part of that is about acknowledging there are still hurdles they will face — we know bigotry and backlash still exists — but that is external to them, and they are not the problem.

Several years on, my sons are flourishing and in inclusive workplaces. Nathan is a consultant and Aidan is a flight attendant.

If I have one message, it would be to always remember that moment your child was born, when your heart was filled with unconditional love.

When your child comes out, all they need is acceptance.

As told to Emma Brancatisano.

Both Nathan and Aidan consented to their stories being told.

June marks Pride Month across the world.

Readers seeking crisis support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged up to 25).

LGBTIQ+ Australians seeking support with mental health can contact QLife on 1800 184 527 or visit qlife.org.au. ReachOut.com also has a list of support services.