When a marriage breaks down during COVID-19

The end of a marriage is often traumatic and painful. Separating in the middle of a pandemic complicates the process, not to mention co-parenting arrangements when children are involved.

Source: Getty Images/fizkes

Highlights

Recent research shows that Australians are spending $45 million per year on divorce application fees and $3.7 billion on legal costs.
Nine-in-10 divorced or separated Australians report feeling more emotionally resilient after leaving their partner.
Nearly 60 per cent of parents are concerned about the impact on children when a marriage ends.

No couples set out for failure when they get married.

But the isolation and lockdown caused by COVID-19 may intensify domestic life especially where gender inequality is involved according to Relationships Australia Victoria’s general manager of clinical services, Anastasia Panayiotidis.

If the woman isn’t being respected and is expected to carry all the load like remote school and the children or their home duties almost to be living as if in a prison.

Panayiotidis says cracks in marriages are more likely to surface and erupt in COVID-19, reaching a breakdown and sometimes even escalating into violence.

It’s really really important for anyone in that situation to call 1800RESPECT, to call 000 if there is a life and death situation happening in an extreme situation.

Source: Getty Images/Malte Mueller

Legal Aid NSW’s solicitor in refugee services and family law Florence Cruz Montalvo is also noticing more couples choosing to split in this once in a century pandemic.

She says there is the flow on effect of an increase in people trying to find alternative accommodation.

The difficulty is trying to physically separate especially during COVID-19 where some people don’t feel comfortable actually going out and checking properties.

Montalvo says for parents who are sharing parenting responsibilities, it is worth coming up with an isolation plan to outline what to do if a parent is infected or suspected of an infection or if there is another issue that happens during this this pandemic.

It’s very important for parents to understand that if you have the virus or if you are suspected of having the virus that isolation is mandatory.

A recent

Real Cost of Separation report

by Real Insurance reveals that Australians spend as much as $45 million per year on divorce and application fees and a hefty $3.7 billion dollars on legal bills.

Panayiotidis recommends anybody separating seek mediation to avoid exorbitant legal fees.

One day in court could be in the thousands by the time lawyers are paid out. Mediation will save you a lot of heartache and a lot of money.

Panayiotidis says even though mediation does not work in very high conflict situations where there is a lot of acrimony or extreme family violence, it is still beneficial in more amicable separations to organise contact with children, property settlement, finances, and shared assets.

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Whilst ending a marriage is a major life decision, the report also shows that 90% of separated or divorced Australians have become more emotionally resilient and adapted after the split.

Montalvo says the expenses of starting a new life is a major concern for many considering separation.

The report also shows that just over half of separating couples were worried about the financial implications of the split.

According to Montalvo, the decision is often about assessing whether you can financially afford to leave the relationship.

If you are moving out, you need to think about the rental accommodation. You would need to have a bond - that could easily be $1600.

If you are under financial difficulty, Montalvo suggests speaking to Centrelink to identify your eligibility for rent assistance or contacting your local housing service for options.

Montalvo says some parents are experiencing more stress in facilitating co-parenting arrangements amid the ever-changing public health orders based on the number of people infected by the coronavirus.

In the case of New South Wales, when restrictions were first implemented under the public health order, it was not possible for a parent to meet their children in the park or at the shops.

With restrictions easing, some parents are still uncomfortable with the idea of their children being out in public space due to the risk of infection.

It’s a matter of being able to reach a middle ground with the other parent.

Montalvo says the likelihood of social restrictions based on distance may also influence where parents choose to live following a separation as there are capacity limits with buses and trains if you are using public transport.

She says the real challenge is when one parent moves to another state or territory with the children.

Those with parenting orders that allow you to spend time with your children may be exempt from border restrictions depending on the policy of the particular state or territory.

Recently separated parents with an informal arrangement are unlikely to be able to cross borders meaning physical time may be impossible at present.

Thinking about having video chat and facilitating that time frequently may be a good substitute in the meantime.

Source: AAP Image/Moodboard

Two-thirds of Australians who have left their partners say the mental and emotional toll was the hardest part of their separation.

Panayiotidis strongly encourages those undergoing significant stress to seek professional support as the idea of family loyalty can be divided and not necessarily at the best interest of individuals when family members with set cultural values step in.

Sometimes there is actually good reasons for separation that there may be family violence where the couple are deeply unhappy and unbearable together.

She says when a marriage is just not working sometimes it is important to overcome the cultural imperatives to save one’s life or to put one’s own safety and life first to get out of a situation which is causing anxiety, depression and loneliness.

People who are traumatised may be not sleeping properly, not eating properly, high levels of stress and in a very reactive state cause there’s so much hurt involved.

Montalvo says in these strange and stressful times, failure to reach out and get counselling can have unintended consequences on your ability to look after your children as your mental health can impact your children’s own mental wellbeing.

If you don’t address your mental health issues and they become particularly worrying, the child protection agency, the Department of Communities and Justice may become involved.

Drawing on research findings that show almost six in ten couples are concerned about the impact on children when a marriage ends, psychologist Dr Andrew Fuller says parents need to treat their children’s other parent well irrespective of circumstances.

He says your children are probably going to fine following a family breakdown if you reassure your love for them and treat the other parent with some degree of respect as a person.

It’s when we get trapped in a world of blame and explaining why who was at fault and so on the kids feel torn.

As unsettling as things can be when a relationship changes, Dr Fuller says the closure is also a chance to reinvent yourself.

This new experience can sometimes better prepare you for relationships as the loss of a relationship can often teach you about what you do want and value in future relationships.

The aim is to allow ourselves to try to heal but also the space in which to reinvent who we are and what we want.