By 7.30pm AEST tomorrow, preparation for will be done, and a fine SBS broadcast will begin. At around the same hour, preparation for my royal wedding-themed buffet will be behind schedule and somewhat short of hygiene standards.
Yes, I may slip in a pool of spiced lard meant for the , just as I did when at Westminster thingy in 2011. And, yes, my partner correctly predicts the number of guests to join the latest of my Global Event TV theme-eating soirees: zero.
This is a fair bet, as buffet attendance has not climbed above zero since the calamity of World Cup 2014. Let’s skip these details and simply warn: those of small stature and sensitive nature should not drink , as they’re likely to undercook Brazil’s national dish, then drunk-cry when nobody wants to eat room-temperature pig offal.
What's on your royal wedding-themed party menu? Source: Getty
In fact, I warn all my excitable fellows: you are better to attend a Global Event TV theme-eating party than throw one. You may be cook and caterer both, but these talents will be lost when one just wants to cram amusing theme-foods into a wise-cracking gob, one also busy with a drinking game.
Place some of these chips in white bread and learn to pronounce the word “butty” as though you were a roadie for Oasis.
So, if you are planning to take one shot of gin when the words “cloister”, “verger” or “mews” are broadcast tomorrow, two when someone says “fairy-tale”, or dump cold tea on your head if Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie fail to wear , plan to do nothing but that. Learn from my ongoing failure and be the life of the party, not its death by raw meat.
If you share my delusion that catering and squealing at kitsch spectacle are simultaneously possible, notwithstanding our very recent failure to be , then take the sound advice that I won’t: buy plastic tiaras and insist that all guests wear these as they climb the mountain of chips you ordered from the local. Place some of these and learn to pronounce the word “butty” as though you were a roadie for .
Be sure to purchase a tin of kippers from just about any large supermarket chain, and offer it to each guest as you say, “You won’t be having any until you eat your fish, Vicar!” or similarly suggestive quips. All will be amused as they drink their gin from jam jars, but relieved when you break out ten packets of genuinely delicious and genuinely British . Serve these before the second hymn in the order of service, as royal wedding ceremonies are long, dull and made tolerable only by guests so sugar-crazy, they’ll howl with laughter at almost any phrase, but especially “Mounted Regiment”.
If planning to create your royal wedding cake, do take care not to poison yourself or others.
When you are tired of your guests, threaten them all with a mug of warm brown ale. This comic catering for your TV party of ten has not cost more than eighty dollars—contingent on appetite for drinking games and gin—and has amused all persons more amused than amazed by royalty.
Those enamoured by the monarch and the many lined behind her have already prepared menus appropriate to this event, so have no need of Cheap Tart advice. Those enamoured by the rescued-by-a-prince romance could look at . If a of Harry and Meghan does not prompt you to remember that women are redeemed by men no more than men are redeemed by inherited titles, you may continue your sweet, spongy dreams.
Baker Claire Ptak’s knows to put her buttercream in the fridge to avoid food poisoning the royals. Source: Getty
Speaking of which: if planning to create your own version of baker Claire Ptak’s lemon-elderflower royal wedding cake, do take care or others, per Helen’s World Cup calamity.
Whatever small catered entertainment you are planning next, take care to fill it not only with compatible snacks, but very compatible persons. I now pronounce you guest and host.
Helen Razer is your frugal food enthusiast, guiding you to the good eats, minus the pretension and price tag in her weekly Friday column, . Don't miss her next instalment, follow her on Twitter .
Watch the Royal Wedding live on SBS from 7.30pm Saturday, May 19 and on SBS On Demand.
